Butterflying

These past few months I have felt like I was living in a cocoon. Knowing I had some magic in me somewhere. Not feeling as though I was ever going to get there, never going to be me. And with this existential crisis state of mind, I have eventually realized: the only way I am going to say anything about anything or create something of worth is if I indulge it. Maybe just for a while…

When studying, I was really into portraiture. Trying to understand how I saw things. I ended up doing so many self-portraits. It started off as being out of necessity. I didn't have a suitable model to sit at the art faculty, for as long as I needed them. Then something started to happen. I started to find it interesting that I could for some reason never really 'see' myself. Every painting/drawing turned out different (I think you can always tell that it is me painting me, but not because it resembled me necessarily). I have never been a photo-realist. I find the warping that happens in working from reality , processing it in one's mind and then putting it down in a medium fascinating!

I became sick of self-portraiture after a while. I didn't know how to incorporate what I wanted to say about me and the image of me as I saw me, so that it would become something more. I also felt narcissistic (or actually that other people would perceive it to be vanity). I have realized that this is a very inaccurate way of looking at self portraiture. All art is self portraiture.  We are always creating from our own point of view and placing ourselves somewhere within the work. Even if we intend not to, we are taking ourselves into account. A politically motivated work of art is a self portrait. A landscape is a self portrait. We are selfish beings. When I say selfish, though, I mean we always consider ourselves. The most giving person gives because it makes him/her feel good. We love because it makes us feel good. This is not a bad thing, we are just motivated by our own feelings (which also helps us survive). So, I figure: Doing personal work is also a political statement, it is also a statement about what is going on in the world. It is a microcosm that has been affecting and is in return affecting the larger environment surrounding it. So I have decided that I need to work on smaller, personal things to get my massage across.

I am so excited. I have been brooding over so many ideas for so long. And I think I have a spark. I have my starting point. I don't want to go into detail just yet. But I will keep you guys posted on how it is developing.

I realized that I have to break out of my comfort zone a long time ago. I didn't know how without feeling pretentious. Now I have something. I am going to work on a body of work for an exhibition. Man! I have been psyched for a week! Usually my enthusiasm dies down so quickly. That's why I know this will work.